Last night, I stayed up until almost 3 AM because I was feeling very inspired to write a few posts. I had to wake up at 8 AM when the nurses needed to inject me with some medicine through my IV. I am sleep deprived, and instead of feeling slightly content of the mini accomplishments I made last night, I thought about how stupid it was, writing mindlessly about random topics to post on a site that no one will read anyway.
Then I thought, if someone else did what I did, I would admire their bits of creativity and drive to even start something new. I’ve always admired writers anyways. I wonder why did I have to put someone else in my shoes first before being able to appreciate myself.
Writing this blog has brought back a piece of me that was lost a long time ago. I started writing since I was fourteen, handwriting my thoughts and feelings that always started with “Dear Diary” on a small pink notebook with a mechanical pencil. I eventually had six of them, then eventually started a personal blog when I was sixteen on Blogger. It was a small project for fun, my own little world that contained all my private thoughts and experiences. It made me happy to own a “little something” — a space to freely write without any having any expectations or judgments.
Maybe it is alright to do something without any other purpose other than because it makes me happy. I have only spoken to one friend about this seemingly flawed mindset, in that I have to be good at everything I do no matter how trivial it is, which really takes away the fun of it. It seems that everything I do, which initially started of to “have fun” almost always becomes a self-improvement project.
For instance, instead of enjoying surfing just as it is, there is always a lingering goal, “I must get x amount of waves today” “I must be able to do x by the end of this month” and hitting those goals really do make me feel happy and satisfied. But is this mindset actually a good thing? Or is it actually a toxic one? I am really hoping this blog won’t be another self-improvement project, but rather a space for me to have fun, fingers crossed.
Are you kind to yourself? Do you allow yourself to be happy?
