It’s OK to Live a Different Life
Precisely last January, I turned 30. Yup, the scary, big 3. I once told myself that I’m going to start piecing my life together once I hit 30. Around the same time, I went through a rough break up and was evicted out of my villa in Bali (they wanted to renovate and raise prices) — which meant having to move back to Jakarta (the city life I have grown to hate). Turning 30 indeed felt like a punishment with all these events dropping in at the same time like missiles out of nowhere. It is as if I have been living my life the wrong way and now I have to pay up.
Moving back to Jakarta felt like I was transported through a time machine, everyone around me suddenly had their first babies. Funny how much life could change in just two years. I couldn’t help but think, “What did I miss?” What have I done with my life?” “What if I never moved out and followed what everyone else was doing, I would already have a baby by now” — I assumed this train of thought was part of the punishment I had to endure.
But then I ask myself, would I trade the beautiful life I had to have a family of my own? The hard-earned skills of driving a scooter and surfing, the friendships that I’ve built, all the surf trips, the bittersweet love stories, and all the lessons and experience that I wouldn’t have gotten if I have always stayed in the city? No. It’s too precious, especially learning that there is another life out there than how I’ve always lived it. It was probably a once in a lifetime experience and I know that I’ve always wanted to do this before I turn 30. I guess the consequence is now I will probably the last one to get married. But again, is this really a consequence?
The first time I felt different
Fast forward four months later, I had a minor surfing incident where I hit my head on the rock that caused some serious swelling, inducing a maroon hue around my eye similar to a domestic violence victim. The resemblance of the swelling to a punched eye is funny until I was too embarrassed to show up to a friend’s baby shower. I felt so out of place, where everyone who showed up are either all married, pregnant, or have kids, I would have showed up with a bruised eye from a surf incident. So I didn’t show up. I took this as another sign of punishment and sign to get my life together.
I thought I needed a relationship, because they told me so
So I’m officially back in the city, great! (not great actually), what’s next? Seems like the logical adult thing to do of living in the city is to find a partner; so I went on a dating app, met up with someone, and decided that we wanted to try a relationship despite not having much in common. All of my friends were happy, as if it was a mission to be accomplished. I was also happy because I seem to have checked the biggest box on the list, and now the task is done! Two months later I ended things because my needs aren’t being met and I was genuinely unhappy. Task undone, but it gave me a new perspective.
Getting into a relationship shouldn’t feel like a task
It felt like a task that I had to excel and complete, and so I found myself bending over backwards, giving 120% as if it was a job where you can control the results by how much effort and persistence you put into it.
This is a relationship, not a job
Maybe I gave it to the wrong person — who didn’t actually want a relationship, maybe I tried so hard to make it work that it ended up backfiring and draining me because it was one sided…
Why did I want it so much? Because I thought it’s what I should be doing, because everyone else is doing it. It’s the thought of missing something in my life that prompted me to find someone, only to realize that I was happier alone before I met him.
This revelation is both liberating and terrifying. Liberating because I realize I was never missing anything in my life, I have everything that I need right here, and therefore I am not in a deprived state and will never settle for less. Terrifying because… Being happy alone is great but what if I get lonely one day? I don’t want to end up forever alone, too.
What makes you happy may be different than what makes them happy
For most people it may be being in a relationship, starting a family, having lots of pets, owning a big house, a boat, or becoming a celebrity. But only YOU know what makes you happy. Maybe what makes me happy now is really my freedom, to be able to travel whenever I want, which means not working a corporate job, or having a kid to take care of. Maybe it’s flying to a different city every month and being around the ocean rather than staying home. Maybe it’s watching myself grow and getting better at my hobbies and career instead of watching a mini-me grow. Maybe it’s about gaining new experiences and making new connections instead of conquering life’s milestones.
Maybe your life is meant to be different than others
It is a scary thing to admit and it takes a lot of bravery to go your own way, but sometimes it’s what you have to do. Life is a choice and I would rather be happy living a peculiar life that no one understands than be sad living the normal life just to fit in. I guess I would never expect anyone understand the choices that I made in my life — why I’m not married or have kids at this age. Why I choose a dangerous sport such as surfing and would go to the lengths of flying solo to enact that hobby, or why I would even go on a solo trip as a girl. Why I don’t mind having a dark skin although I came from a Chinese family background where dark skin is deemed to be undesirable. Why I choose to ride a scooter when I can ride a car. Why I love the village life although I was raised in a big city. At the end of the day,
It’s ok to be different. It’s ok to live a life that no one understands, as long as it makes you happy. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for anyway?
