We may not have come from the perfect family, background, or upbringing, but it is what we do with our circumstances that matter most.
As a kid, we look up to our caregivers like superheroes. But when they fail to live up to our expectations, we may internalize their failings as our shortcomings. As I grew older I realized that our parents are just like any other imperfect humans on this earth, they had me when they were my age, even younger. I still feel so clueless about life at the age of thirty and so must they.
There was an incident when I got hurt and my caregivers failed to defend me by choice. I cried for help, I was angry, I felt neglected. They choose to be neutral on a situation where I expected them to retaliate and seek justice for me. So I moved to another city, asked them to pay for my living cost for compensation. I couldn’t find a reason to forgive them.
Until today, no form of forgiveness was ever asked or given. I choose to understand their perspective through self-reflection. They didn’t defend me because they knew that defending me means acknowledging their own failures in a partnership and that was too much for them. I never really recovered from it, all I know is that from then on I have to defend myself.
Only until recently I realized that our caregivers may show love in many different ways — their ways, sometimes in the way that we don’t understand. Mine show theirs through providing material things and things of high value. From nice clothes, designer handbags, to luxury cars, prestigious apartments and private schools, this is how they show their love to me. They work night and day to make sure I have the best things in life and that I never had to work a day in my life. It is even painful to think about — why would someone dedicate all their time and money so that someone else can have a good life while they themselves are drowning in late night shifts and piles of bills? It’s called sacrifice (must be, right?) the one concept I am only slightly able to do sometimes, and to love is to sacrifice.
I could never understand why my caregivers didn’t show up when I needed them most, the same way I could never understand why they would sacrifie their life so I could have mine. I guess that’s where I’m going to leave it at.
