During my last solo trip to Bali, I met a new friend whom I had a casual dinner and banter about life, and talked about how each and every relationship that ends is not a mishap or a waste of time, but rather a series of valuable lessons that may help you discover yourself.
Of course there will always be that thought where, “Oh if I didn’t date him, I would’ve spent more time with my friends” or “I could have done this and that or gone here and there” I guess this is coming from a mindset of regret — or perhaps looking at the negative side only. But what if we shift our perspective to the positive side?
What it feels like being with the wrong person
In my last relationship (not sure if that was even appropriate to be called one considering how short it was) I was always treated as the last priority; the one to fill up the time gaps between his other priorities such as work, meetings, family, and sports training. It was probably a 2–3 hour window on the weekends, which may sound a lot for a meeting, but it really isn’t when you consider the drive time around a big city plus the traffic. Movies are usually about 2 hours, a nice dinner date is usually about 1–2 hours, and so we have to sacrifice either one.
Our time together was always rushed because there was always more important things for him to do waiting down the line, leaving me in a constant state of anxiety of time running out. I never truly enjoyed spending time together, which was detrimental to my emotional health since my love language is quality time. Whenever I tried to make a conversation or ask for attention, he ignored me and said that he’s in the middle of something. He’s never not in the middle of something, and when I expressed my needs, he called me needy.
I started questioning myself, am I really needy? Do I have not enough things going on in my life? Why do I feel so unimportant and invisible that I had to constantly beg for his time and attention? Am I not good enough? I started feeling bad about myself, like I didn’t deserve any love or attention by the way he treated me. I even went to see a therapist to keep myself in check, and she confirmed that my needs are valid. So… he didn’t even meet the bare minimum, and that I was needy because he is unable to meet my needs. He told me from the start he wanted a committed relationship that eventually leads to marriage, yet our relationship lacked emotional connection and commitment.
I felt confused, tricked, and lied to. This is not how a committed person should act, thus creating a persisting resentment towards him. Looking back, I realized he didn’t really want a relationship to begin with, he just wanted a facade, to show off to the world that he’s not single and alone for his considerably mature age. Yes, that is a very selfish thing to do. Which comes to the first lesson that I learned:
Sometimes people don’t know what they want, creating false hopes and big promises while unintentionally dragging you along
It sucks to be on my end, but it also sucks to be on their end, not knowing where they are going in life, always chasing the wrong things, and perhaps heading to the wrong direction. So, like a typical dating advise anyone would give, trust actions over words. Most people don’t intentionally try to hurt you, they really are just confused. Or maybe this is really just my way of forgiving people.
How you feel is more important than the what if’s
After about two months, I decided to call it quits. There was a lot of doubt; what if I called it off too soon? What if he could change? What if I gave it a bit more time to unfold? But the most important question I ask myself is, how long can I endure feeling like this? Feeling invisible, anxious, rejected, unwanted and unloved. I couldn’t take it anymore, I felt like I was going crazy and trying to fix myself by reading books and articles in attempt to fix myself. I had to break it off as soon as possible. There was nothing wrong with me, maybe generally a little anxious, but it was more of his inadequacy to be a proper partner as what he promised in the beginning.
People don’t change, what you see is what you get
In my past relationships, I’ve always stayed too long with the wrong person although I felt unhappy, waiting for them to change to their potential. But the truth is that people don’t really change, even if they do it’s going to take years. What you see is really what you get. But the first and biggest problem is that he wasn’t willing to change yet demanded for me to comply to his arrangements. There was really no reason to give someone a chance if they don’t even want to take it. We all know no relationship could work without compromise, it’s not rocket science.
Prioritize those who wants nothing but your time
This is probably the most heartfelt and eye-opening lesson that I’ve gained so far. We are all guilty for taking some people for granted — especially those who are always available to us; people who we know will be there no matter what. My mom would always invite me to go see a movie or dinner with her, but I mostly rejected her offer, and preferred going out with friends because sipping cocktails with my friends is more fun than going to the cinema with my mom. But also because behind all of this, I know that no matter how many times I said No to her, she will still love me anyway. It was not until I was put in her shoes, always begging for someone else’s time, that I realized that the people who only want your time are the ones who genuinely treasure you for who you are, not for what you can do for them.
My mom knows I couldn’t give anything back to her, I’m not treating her for dinner or movies; she just wanted to spend time with me because she cares about me — the same way I never asked this guy to pay for any fine dinings or get me expensive things, all I wanted was his time. I wanted to be around him more than I wanted cute handbags or fine dinings or a trip on a yacht… I would rather be with an average guy who can love with me with all their heart.
Get to know your attachment style as well as your future partner’s
I have an anxious attachment style where I crave a lot of emotional and physical intimacy. Being with an avoidant partner who is scared of intimacy and puts a high value on freedom and independence is a recipe for heartbreak. The more an anxious partner tries to get close to make themselves feel better, the more an avoidant partner pulls away to make themselves feel better, too; and it creates a tiring push and pull dynamic where both parties ended up feeling unhappy — at least this is what happened to me.
There are of course ways around it, going to therapy or couples therapy, but it’s going to take a lot of hard work and commitment from both parties to make it work. After going through what I did, I would suggest finding a secure attachment partner instead. A secure partner would not be scared of intimacy like the avoidant, and they also wouldn’t be scared of some distance like the anxious attacher — a secure partner basically neutralizes them.
Disclaimer: I am a Fine Arts graduate with no background in Psychology, so what I wrote in this Attachment section may or may not be accurate. This is just a summary of my interpretation from this book:
I hope that you can understand yourself better after reading this book and find the right partner that is suitable for your needs.
